September 21, 2009
DIAL 4-1-1 FOR GLENN BECK
Customer Service Operator: Thank you for calling Wanda's Wicked Pleasure Chest. How may I help you?
Senator Smerd: I wanna file a complaint.
CSO: Very well, sir. May I have your name.
SS: Senator Smerd!
CSO: Thank you, senator. I'll be glad to help. I see from our records you've called before.
SS: Yes. I called last week about a defective product. The penis enlargement splint you guys sold me didn't fit. It was too big.
CSO: I'm very sorry about that, senator. It was the smallest size we make. However, we did issue you a full refund - along with a voucher for 15% off your next purchase because you're such a good customer.
SS: Right. I appreciate the discount. But I still have a complaint to make.
CSO: Of course, senator. That's what I'm here for. Please describe the nature of your complaint.
SS: It's about my latest purchase. You sent it to the wrong address.
CS0: I'm terribly sorry, senator. Please accept our apology. I hope it didn't inconvenience you too much.
SS: As a matter of fact it did. You see, I ordered one of your Naughty Nighties for my mistress - she's a pretty little blonde who works in Congressman Blather's office - and you sent in to my home in Alabama, instead of the apartment in D.C. that I share with three other Christian conservative senators.
Well, my wife opened the package and she went ballistic! She threatened to divorce me - problem is, this isn't the first time something like this has happened; last summer it was that cute colored girl who was interning for Senator Thom - unless I go on Glenn Beck's show and make a public apology.
I'm up for re-election next year and this kind of thing could get out of hand if it's not handled just right.
CSO: I understand, senator. Again, please accept our sincere apology. Of course we'll credit your account for the full purchase price of the item, plus handling and shipping. And this time we'll throw in a 20% discount towards your next purchase.
Is there anything else I can do?
SS: No, unfortunately the damage is done. Just make sure your shipping department doesn't screw up again!
CSO: It won't happen again, senator. You have my word.
SS: We'll, that's good enough for me. You sound like a real nice young lady...are you married?
CSO: Yes I am, senator. My husband is a forklift operator but he got laid off last year and can't find work. I've been pullin' double shifts to try an' make ends meet.
SS: I'm sorry to hear that, little lady. I know things are tough, and I assure you we Republicans are doing everything we can to turn this economy around. It's the Democrats and their friends in Big Labor who are the problem.
They just don't get that the only way to prosperity is tax cuts and deregulation. They're nothing but a bunch of Socialists.
CSO: To be honest, senator, I don't follow politics. But I do watch Glenn Beck, and I look forward to seeing you on his show. I only wish it was under different circumstances.
SS: Now, don't you go and worry your pretty little head none. In fact, this might turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
You see, that Beck fella has it in for my probable opponent in next year's election. Don't ask me why, but I hear he's been trying hard to dig up some dirt.
So I'll go on his show all contrite and all, apologize to my wife and the good people of Alabama, ask for their forgiveness and swear with God as my witness that I'm a better person for all I've been through.
Then I'll change the subject and ask Glenn Beck if he's heard the rumor that my opponent has been receiving kickbacks from a company that does business with the Chinese. Not only that, he's pro-choice, he favors gun control, he's soft on defense, he coddles illegal aliens, he's against the Patriot Act and he doesn't support school prayer.
By the time I get done, people from one end of the state to the other will be down on their knees prayin' that Senator Smerd gets re-elected in a landslide!
CSO: God bless you, senator.
SS: Same to you, little lady. Bye now.